My Adoptee Journal - Part 1: Finding My Biological Mother

Seven years ago, while expecting my daughter, I officially began searching for my birth mother with the help and encouragement of my mom.  It wasn’t until becoming pregnant that I really felt the urge to know the truth about my biological family.  It wasn’t until I realized that my daughter would one day have questions and needs of her own about our family history.

When I first began the search for my birth mother, I did not keep a written journal.  I did however keep a neat file of all the information I had found.  In September 2009, when my mother visited from out-of-state, our conversations sparked my interest once again.  This time, I made sure to keep a journal to chronicle every thought and emotion.  I wanted to keep record not only for my own self-reflection but for my children to one day read and know my true feelings.  Also, I hoped that one day, the words that I write may possibly help another person in some way or form.  During my search and still, I find consolation in knowing that others have been in similar shoes.  This is my story…

                                                                    ~*~

I have always known I was adopted--even before I really knew what it meant.  As a child, I remember being told by my parents that I was special because they "chose" me.  I always wondered about my birth mother--just as other adoptees must at some point in their lives.  Growing up, I imagined if I were to run into her in public, I would just know.  When we went out, I would search faces of strangers for someone who looked like me.  I still do, but maybe now it's more out of habit.  There were actually a few times when friends would ask me if I was related to "so-and-so" because I looked like him/her, or they might tell me they saw someone who could have been my twin.  I know to the average person, comments like these are easily shrugged off.  But in my world even to this day, they give me the chills and make my mind wander. 

For years, I didn't want anyone to know I was adopted.  People would tell me how much I look or act like my mother, and I would proudly smile.  When I was accused of having the famous genetically-inherited stubbornness, it gave me great pleasure.  When I reached adulthood, it didn't bother me as much.  The only thing that bothered me was not knowing my biological/family heritage and health history.  I suppose I've always been a bit jealous of those who know their family heritage.  At least now I feel more comfortable explaining why I don't.  One thing that does annoy me is repeatedly explaining that to doctors.  Geez...  Shouldn't there be a chart sticker for that sort of information?

My Parents and Me When I Was One Year Old

My First "Baby Picture" at 11 Months Old

Grandma P. and me on the day my parents brought me home -- I was wearing a little boy's outfit and baby Superman shoes that were two sizes too small.



My Daddy and Me

Chronicle of Emotions

Nov 6, 2009

After three long years of searching and a lifetime of wondering, I may have found my birth mother.  My mind has been whirling at warp speed.  I have been experiencing thoughts and emotions I never expected: hopeful anticipation, sheer elation, relief, fear of rejection, hopelessness, uncertainty, confusion and then back to hopefulness again.  For a while, I was holding it all in because I didn't want others to be inconvenienced by my pain.  Now I realize it feels so much better to just get it all out.  Otherwise, it will consume me.  I'll try my best to abbreviate this journey the best I can.

Three years ago, I began searching for my birth mother with my mother's encouragement and help.  She researched through the Corning Library the names of females discharged from the hospital around my birth date.  I spent many days making phone calls and searching the Internet and finally narrowed it down to one person.  On a hunch, I searched for her on Classmates.com.  On one of the phone calls I made, I reached a woman who confirmed she was her mother.  She was so adamant that her daughter had never surrendered a baby for adoption and actually seemed angry I had called.  Taking a chance, I e-mailed my suspected birth mother through Classmates.com but never received a response.  So feeling discouraged and heartbroken, I dropped my search until now. 

When Mom visited in September, she geared up my mind once again.  She brought the paperwork she and Dad were given at the time of my adoption, and we read through every detail.  Since then, I placed ads in Southern Tier NY newspapers and have spent almost every night searching online.  The ads resulted in a few people calling to offer their advice but no real leads (I don't even know how many people actually read newspapers anymore).  A retired nurse from Corning Hospital recommended a few adoptee search resources, and then a search angel offered her volunteer services.  I have registered with two online adoption search registries so far: www.gsadoptionregistry.com and www.adopteeconnect.com.

I decided to continue researching the woman I suspect could be my birth mother, as I felt there are far too many coincidences to ignore.  On her Classmates.com profile, she has posted pictures.  I swear I can see a resemblance.  But then again, maybe that’s just wishful thinking?  Also, there is a picture of her with her niece, who looks so much like my daughter and my baby pictures.  I searched online for days and finally found her e-mail and mailing addresses, but her phone number was unlisted.  Then I contemplated what to do with this information and how/if I should contact her, not knowing whether she is even the right person.  Early Sunday morning, October 11, 2009 after much hesitation, I finally sent her an e-mail.  I figured e-mail was the safest bet.  Showing up at her door was not an option, and it would be too risky to mail a letter through the post.  I decided to write my e-mail like I was a long lost friend but included clues that only my birth mother would recognize--just in case anyone else in her family happened to read it. 

1 a.m.—I have written, edited, deleted and rewritten this e-mail countless times.  A million thoughts dance and collide in my head.  I have included just enough information that if she really IS my birth mother, she will certainly know who I am.  What if it's NOT her?  I could be sending this e-mail to a complete stranger.  I can't be certain, but how else will I ever find out?  I feel compelled to take a chance.  What if it IS her?  How will she react?  Does her family already know about me?  If not, how will she tell them?  WILL she tell them?  I decided there's only one way to know, so I clicked "send".

Dear _____:

I am searching for an old friend from back in November 1980 from Corning , NY.  Her name at that time was _____ _____, and she was about 17 years old.  The last time we were together was in February 1981.  I am hoping you may be this person.  My name was “Jessica” then, but I now go by “Rebecca”.  I have thought of you often over the years and wondered how you are doing. 

I am now married and live in Rochester, NY.  My husband and I celebrated the birth of our first child in January 2009.  She is a mirror image of me.  I can send you a picture if you like.

If you are the person I am looking for, please contact me by phone at ___-___-___ or e-mail at _____.  If you are not, I apologize and thank you for your time.  If at all possible, would you please send a short note so that I may continue searching?  I anxiously await your response.

Very sincerely…

The first chance I had, I checked my e-mail.  To my surprise, she responded.  Wow!  That was fast!  I was in disbelief, stunned sitting there in front of the computer staring at the message for a few minutes.  She confirmed her maiden name, told a little about herself and family, attached a picture and asked me to send one back.  When I opened her attachment, I thought she looked so familiar--like I could have seen her somewhere before.  I think I can see a resemblance.  I jumped from the chair, ran downstairs and threw open the shower curtain on my husband.  The poor guy--I scared him half to death.  I blurted out my excitement, beaming from ear to ear.  I can't remember exactly, but I think he actually told me to breathe.  Then I ran back upstairs to promptly respond.  I attached three photos--one family photo of the three of us and two of the baby and I--and clicked "send".

If she is my birth mother, I realize she may be in shock and will need time to digest this information.  I keep thinking if she isn't "the one", she would not have responded to my e-mail like she did and would most likely have said she had no idea what I was talking about.  I'm hoping at the very least, she will be willing to share my family's medical history and maybe my birth father's name.  Any other contact would be a plus.

I can't stop thinking about it.  I have thought of all the possible scenarios: Is she "the one"?  Does her family already know?  Will she tell them if they don't know?  How must she be feeling after hearing from a child she surrendered nearly 29 years ago?  Does she feel guilty?  Will she want to meet me?  If she doesn't, will she at least share family health information?  Will she reject me?  And the list goes on... 

Waiting is the difficult part, especially since patience is definitely not one of my virtues.  I know the right thing to do is give her time.  It's just hard not having an answer either way.  I have been doing a great deal of praying these days and trying to leave it up to God.  After all, only God knows what I need and has mapped out my life even before I was born.  I just need to have faith and the ever elusive trait which I lack--"patience".  It's easier said than done, I suppose.

At the end of the day, I had not received a response from her but was still on "cloud 9" for being the closest I have ever been to knowing.

November 7, 2009

The first moment I rolled out of bed, I checked my e-mail.  Still nothing...  I didn't expect an immediate response anyway.  I know it could take a while.  After all, this could be earth-shattering news if she is who I think she is.  I can only imagine how she might feel.  I e-mailed her message and my response to my work e-mail address.  Throughout the day at work, I opened her photo and tried to compare her face to mine.  I spent the entire day in a hopeful, happy mood.

It was killing me that I couldn't speak with Mom, since her phone is still unavailable.  So I e-mailed my aunt, who lives near her, and requested she pass along my news.  My aunt must have zoomed right over to Mom's house, as she called me that afternoon.  Mom was as excited as I and offered some encouraging words.  She and my aunt poured through our family photo albums and compared the photo of my suspected birth mother with those of me.  Mom pointed out the same similarities in our facial features that I had noticed.  Now that I am not the only one who sees the resemblance, it gives me hope.

My husband, whom I jokingly call the "eternal pessimist", is skeptical.  I have had all the same uncertainties he voices.  They play in my head like a broken record.  It's true--I am a hopeless romantic and a dreamer at times--but I am realistic as well.

November 8, 2009

I checked my e-mail before going to work.  Still nothing...  Today I am beginning to fear she won't respond.  Will I be rejected again?  I never felt rejected by her decision to surrender me for adoption before.  Why do I feel this way now?  I am also worried that my initial e-mail was too vague.  There is a small chance she may actually think I'm an old friend or am trying to trick her.  Maybe my photos scared her?  So many fears are surfacing today.  I didn't expect this.

In the morning, my aunt e-mailed scanned copies of photos she and Mom pulled from the albums yesterday.  I couldn't believe how much my 16th birthday photo resembles this woman.  And furthermore, I was in awe of how much my 11-month-old photo resembles my own daughter.  Could there be a family resemblance, or am I imagining things?  One thing is obvious to me--all three of us have the same nose and hair line.  All day long, I mentally compared our faces.

November 9, 2009

As has been the routine for the last few days, I checked my e-mail before going to work.  Still nothing...  I know it could take a while for her to digest this information, but I couldn't help feeling sad.  I have a sick feeling in my stomach.

By the end of the day, my head is spinning with uncertainties.  I feel discouraged and depressed.  My thoughts seem to be multiplying by the minute.  I am finding it difficult pray silently, as my thoughts seem to be interrupting, so I have begun saying them out loud.  This is definitely the down-loop of the roller coaster of emotions. 

I feel the need to send her another letter.  I am worried she might not have understood my initial one.  It's so difficult not knowing either way--is she, or isn't she?  What would I say?  I don't want to seem pushy and drive her away.  Then again, what if this is the last chance I have to communicate with her?  There are so many things I want to say.  "God give me the strength."

I came home with a migraine that night--too much stress.  My husband cooked dinner, which was a great help.  I focused on playing with the baby, and that actually did help me forget the subject at hand for a while.  Besides, who could resist nuzzling chubby, little baby toes?

After putting the baby to bed, I checked in with my hubby.  I don't want him to feel neglected.  Also with my surging emotions, he must feel like he is walking on eggshells around me.  Poor guy!  He voiced his support but gently reminded me to appreciate the upbringing I had and not to forget our little family.  I assured him I hadn't and tried to explain this is just something I need to do.  I know he tries to understand me, but honestly what man could ever understand the inner workings of the female mind?  Sometimes the truth is all I need is a little dose of him to bring me back down to earth.

I sat in front of the computer, considering whether I should write to her and what to say.  I decided to share with her the most important things, pouring my heart out into this letter.  I have such a strong feeling about her.  If she’s not “the one”, I don't feel embarrassed about spilling the contents of my heart to a complete stranger.  If I didn't at least take the chance, I would regret it for the rest of my life.  Besides...  There is no information in this letter that would put my family at risk.  As with my first e-mail to her, I wrote/rewrote it a million times and finally clicked "send".  It was the most intimate, heart-wrenching letter I have ever written.

Dear _____:

By now you have probably realized I'm not a long-lost friend.  My first e-mail was intentionally vague in order to maintain secrecy from anyone else who might read it.  I have worried you might think I am an old classmate, or I am trying to trick you in some way.  I am hoping this e-mail will help explain more.

I am in search of my birth mother.  If you have no idea what I am talking about or who I am, please let me know.  If you are my birth mother, I can only imagine how my correspondence has affected you.  If you are her, there are so many things I want to say.  I'd like to take a chance and share the most important.

First and foremost, I want to thank you for loving me so much that you did the most difficult, self-less act any mother could do.  As a new mother, I look into my baby girl's face and can only imagine how you must have felt at that time.  You gave me a chance to be adopted into a loving family and lead a happy, rewarding life.  For that, you have my love, admiration and appreciation.

I respect your right to privacy and understand if you have chosen to keep my existence secret.  It was 29 years ago, and you were so young.  I have come to a point in my life where knowing my family health history is essential.  I have a daughter now and plan to have more children in the near future.  It is important to know my family health history not only for myself but most importantly for my children.  I am also hoping you might share my birth father's name and any other information you may have regarding him.  If you could at least share this information, it would help me know what to expect in my and my family's future.

My greatest dream is to meet you in person, but I understand if you are unable.  When my daughter was born, I was so pleased to meet the first person in my life whom I knew was blood relation.  I was even more pleased that she looks so much like me.  I have wondered about you since I was five years old, when my parents first told me I was adopted.  Each year on my birthday, I thank God and you for giving me life.  Meeting you would only complete the puzzle of my life. 

I hope you will please consider communicating with me.

Take care…

November 10, 2009

I woke this morning and did not check my e-mail before work.  I feel such relief after sending her the second letter last night.  It felt so good to get my thoughts out of my head.  I was completely honest and sincere, and I hope she senses that.  Sleep came to me much easier last night.  I was also able to be more efficient at work today.  Thank God!

November 11, 2009

A thought occurred to me today: "If she is my birth mother, how will she know I am who I say I am?"  I imagine she must be researching me just as I did her, but how will she know where to look?  I didn't give her any information to go on except my birth date, birth place and first given name.  I am considering sending her one last e-mail to explain a little more.  Then that's it.  That's all I can possibly do.  The next step must be hers--if she is willing.

I e-mailed to my search angel, Phyllis, asking for her advice.  I thought I could handle this on my own but now see that I can't.  Even though I have a "feeling" about this woman, I have no positive identification.  I still need to continue searching.  Phyllis advised that I contact the Department of Social Services and the NYS DOH Adoption and Medical Information Registry to get all the health and family information they have on file for me.  The problem is I did this years ago and received only bare-bones information.  She thinks it would help to know the age of my birth mother at the time of her mother's death and the cause of her mother's death.  I should also see if they will give me the age of her father.  This could help locate an obituary, which could lead to her identity. 

November 12, 2009

I sent her one last e-mail today with more specific information about myself.  If she does not respond, I may never know if she is the one.  If she isn't the one, why can't she just say so?  The suspense is killing me.

Phyllis and I have been exchanging e-mails.  She advised that I also go to the Corning Library and read the newspapers after I was admitted to the Corning Hospital for my broken leg in February 1981 (when I was surrendered for adoption).  Considering I only know the age of when I was in hospital, it would take at least a month of newspaper reading.  She feels it might be worthwhile, as I could find an accident or abuse article.  She reminded me that abuse, when it occurs, does not always come from birth parents.  I had considered that before.  I have watched enough "Law & Order" to know that sometimes they just need "suspected abuse" to remove a child from a home.  Phyllis also mentioned considering the length of time my suspected birth mother has been married, she may have married my birth father.  She has had a number of cases where birth parents have later married.

November 13, 2009

At this point, I cannot accept that this could be the end of the line.  I'm at a stalemate.  I cannot send her any more correspondence.  I don't even know if she ever received or read the last ones anyway.  She may have blocked me from sending e-mail to her, and I have no way of knowing.  I wish I could call her or show up at her doorstep, but I have no desire to "out" her if her family doesn't know.

If she is who I think she may be, she needs time to digest this information.  I'm sure it is quite a shock for a birth mother to be contacted by a child she gave up so many years ago.  I'm sure she mourned her loss, accepted it and moved on with her life.  If she is my birth mother, she must be doing a lot of soul searching.

I keep thinking if she isn't "the one", why can't she just say so and be done with it?  If she is in fact a complete stranger, I don't think it's difficult to understand the importance of responding to an e-mail like mine.  I am not an e-mail scammer and hopefully didn't come across that way.  Why did she respond so quickly to my first e-mail, and then nothing?  After all my correspondence, there should be no confusion now who I am and for what I'm asking (that is if she received it).  If she isn't "the one", how can she just leave me hanging like this?  I need to know, so I can stop concentrating so hard on her and move in a different direction.  If she isn't "the one", I am wasting time.  The feeling is just too strong to ignore, though.  My heart tells me there's something.  I still have hope.

My husband has been so supportive through all my insane speculating and obsessing, etc.  I have spent hours and hours online, and he hasn't complained.  I guess it does give him the opportunity to have the TV all to himself--sports, sports and more sports!  I have pretty much reached the end of my online search.  I have found a couple more tidbits here and there, but not much else.  There is not much more I can do now except wait.  My hubby will be happy, since that means I have more time to cook.  Oh, who am I kidding?  It's not like I don't enjoy cooking anyway...

November 14, 2009

I called the Department of Social Services.  They told me the proper process/procedure to request "non-identifying information" is to write a letter to their department.  I already knew this but was still hopeful.  Ugh...  How long will this take?  I was hoping to get my search angel more information this week.  It will probably set back my search a few more weeks.  Patience, patience...

My sister came over tonight for a belated birthday dinner.  My husband and I updated her on the search, and she wonders the same as we.  Why would this woman respond so quickly to my first e-mail, and then silence?  She feels like there may be "something" too.

November 15, 2009

I had an epiphany today.

For days, I have been experiencing a feeling I simply cannot pinpoint.  I have known all my life of my adoption and the blank slate of my biological origins.  If it never bothered me before, so why does it now?  After all, life will go on whether or not I know.  It hasn't made sense until today.

I have realized my pain is not logical--it is more emotional than anything else.  The dreamer in me always fantasized about meeting my birth mother and family.  I thought once I found her, I would finally know the answers to my life-long mystery.  I dreamed that in a way, I would finally know who I really am whether it was family heritage, blood kin or the real story of my being given up for adoption.  It was today when I first considered the possibility that I may NEVER know.

I never really understood what it meant to be a mother until I became one myself.  I would throw myself before a train and fight tooth-and-nail to save my daughter's life.  That's why I can't understand, if this woman is my birth mother, why would she reject me once more?  Hasn't enough time passed?  Isn't there enough water under the bridge by now?  Doesn't she think her family loves her enough to accept her past and grant her forgiveness?  How can she go on keeping such a secret from her most beloved?  I couldn't.

A mother cannot forget how it feels to carry a child within her, the joy of hearing her first cries as she enters the world, the amazement at her tiny features, the smell of her milky breath as she sleeps in her arms...  I thought meeting the very child she birthed would be an easy decision for a birth mother regardless of what has transpired since that time in her life.  That life-giving and life-receiving bond between mother and child can never be broken--no matter how much time may lapse or secrecy has been forged.

I know this woman may not be "the one" but still can't resist feeling the disappointment of this realization.  This experience has certainly been a voyage of self-discovery.

November 22, 2009

I decided to take some time away from this all-consuming search for my own benefit as well as that of my family.  It is impossible to completely erase the subject from my mind, but I am at least able to devote some much-needed attention to the most important people in my life.

I have given more consideration to why birth mothers may be hesitant to admit their past to their families.  There is such a broad spectrum of possible reactions--from open-armed acceptance to resentment.  I would like to think if my own mother made such an admission, I would be shocked at first but then lovingly accept her past.  I do know others, though, who would outright resent and distrust their mothers for having lied to them all their lives.  And then of course there are "family dynamics", which vary from family to family, that are the largest impacting factor.

(One year passed, and I just couldn’t bring myself to concentrate on the search.  I couldn’t help feeling a little heartbroken that my suspected birth mother never responded.  I decided if she was “the one”, then I might just need to wait for her to respond in her own time.)

November 3, 2010

I discovered a support website for birth mothers and read through some of their blogs to get a better understanding.  One was so disturbing that I stopped reading it half-way through.  It was entitled "Ungrateful Little Bastards", which was about adoptees searching for birth parents and how ungrateful they are for not appreciating the birth parents' decision/sacrifice.  From an adoptee's perspective, I could not understand this way of thinking at first.  How can adoptees be ungrateful?  After all, being surrendered for adoption was not a decision of their making.  But after visiting my cynical side, I think anger must be a tool some birth parents choose to use in order to cope with their loss.  They must experience the stages of grief as most of us do when losing a loved one.  Though I somewhat understand, I still don't agree with this logic.

I believe it is a basic human right for a person to know his/her family health history.  Why should an adoptee be chastised for a decision made FOR him/her?  At the very least, non-identifying information should be available to all adoptees.  I do agree with the birth parents' right to privacy.  It is the birth parents' choice whether they want personal contact with their surrendered child.  What I fail to understand, though, is how contributing non-identifying information implicates them in any way.  There is no risk involved--nothing to lose.  For many adoptees, obtaining this information is their primary and only reason for finding their birth parents.

With my birthday looming--less than two days away--I can't help but wonder what my birth mother is thinking.  Does she think of me on my birthday as I think of her?  Does she wonder who I have become, where I am, what I look like...  As my own daughter's birthday approaches, the memories of our birth experience grow fresh in my mind.  I don't think any mother could forget one of the most pivotal moments of her life.

I still cannot ignore this feeling that I have found "her".  It's a "gut feeling".  With the passing of time, I am growing more accustomed to the cliff hanger feeling even though I still don't like it.  I guess at least while hanging out on a limb, I can still hold onto hope.  I will either be uplifted by finding her and having answers or tumble to the ground after being rejected once again.

I joined a prayer group at work.  We meet every Monday morning to pray for those who need the healing power of prayer.  I joined for the comfort of fellowship, to help others find healing and strength and to strengthen my own faith.  I am struggling lately with focusing during prayer, and this first meeting helped.  I told the group about my journey to find my birth mother, and they were very supportive. 

(Two years passed.  By this time, I now had two small children and barely time to breathe—let alone spend countless hours searching for a needle in a haystack.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t think about it.  I pondered it a lot, but part of me was afraid to pursue any further for the off-chance that I might feel even more heartbroken and rejected.)

January 10, 2013

Out of the clear blue, I received an e-mail from a complete stranger.  This is what began spinning my mind awhirl once again.  There was no personal note—just a copy of my G’s Adoption Registry listing and her name, “Deborah”.  Who is this person, and why is she contacting me?  Could she know something about my birth mom?

My husband and I researched “Deborah” by her name and e-mail address and found no incriminating information about her, so we thought, “What is there to lose by responding to her?”  I found her on Facebook and sent her a message.  She quickly confirmed that she is an adoption search angel and wanted to offer her help with finding my birth mom.  After a full day of corresponding back and forth, it was clear to me that Deb is a genuinely, beautiful soul, who loves to serve and assist others—a true angel on earth.

During the following week, Deb worked diligently to find information for me.  She contacted my “suspected” birth mother a few times only to receive cryptic, puzzling responses or no response.  Actually, her Facebook account was frozen for one month because apparently “she” had reported Deb as harassing.

Deb was persistent.  She refused to leave a single stone un-turned.  She visited the Corning Library for two consecutive days looking through microfiche newspapers for hospital admissions, discharges and baby announcements.  She asked friends and family for information and resources.  She really worked her butt off.  I couldn't believe that a complete stranger was doing all this for me.  It was astounding.

Deb found that my suspected birth mom was admitted to the hospital on 10/31 and discharged on 11/5 (posted in the newspaper on 11/6).  She said she has seen many times when information was wrong on an adoptee's paperwork.  This led us to wonder if my birth date had been changed by a few days to throw a future search off.  Instead of 11/5, I could have been born on 11/1.  Yes, this was pure speculation, but what else was there to go on?

Deb explained that caseworkers were known to have fabricated information in order to make a child sound more desirable for adoption.  Now I'm wondering about the other information in my paperwork, which also doesn't quite line up.  For example: in my paperwork, it says I was admitted at 3 months old with a broken leg; but the hospital's paperwork regarding my leg notes May 1981, which would have made me 6 months old.

Another thing Deb discovered was that my birth announcement was missing. Or rather, the entire page for 11/7 (when it would have been published) is missing. Also, the Corning East yearbook was missing for that year.  It seemed a little odd to have both those pieces of information missing.

Deb also sent me pictures of yearbook pages including my suspected birth mom.  We both feel there is a resemblance (mouth, nose, rounded cheeks, cheekbones, smile creases, eyebrows, high forehead/hairline), but her eyes are more narrow than mine.  In some pictures, she also looks like I was built around that age.

Deb is going to write to my suspected birth mom today and tell her "new information has surfaced, and we now suspect that my birth date was changed at the time of adoption".  Maybe this is the thing "she" has been questioning all along.  That...  and she probably hasn't told her family.  Deb is hoping that even if "she" wants nothing to do with me, maybe she can convince her to share medical information or my father's name.

This is a lot to take in--very emotional.  I'm still very hopeful.  The fact that my suspected birth mom has never denied she is "the one" keeps me hopeful.  We shall see!

January 24, 2013

After two weeks of contacting my suspected birth mom, Deb finally received a call back today.  On her voice mail, she received this message: 

“I graduated on 1981. I didn’t have any friend nor know anyone that had a baby. Why is this coming up again, and what does this have to do with me?”

Deb and I both thought "she" might be playing coy.

This latest correspondence sent my heart crashing to my toes, so I felt compelled to write "her" a letter.  There was nothing to lose, since I had gained nothing from her thus far anyway. 

Dear _____:

My adoption search angel, Deborah, has been exchanging e-mails with you. She also spoke to one of your brothers two weeks ago. The reason she is contacting you (and why I have contacted you throughout the years) is because I want to know if you are my biological mother. I was adopted into a loving family at the age of 11 months, and now I need to know for my own peace of mind and medical reasons. I have been searching for my birth mother all my adult life. I have reason to believe she could be you, and here is why:

(I went on to explain every single detail of my search.)

If you are my birth mother, I don’t wish to disrupt your life. If you have kept my existence secret from your family, I don’t expect you to tell them. I don’t need to know why you put me up for adoption or why my leg was broken. If you don’t want to meet me, you don’t need to. I have respected your space and privacy for all these years, which is why I’ve never contacted any of your family or shown up at your house. I just want a basic biological family medical history for me and my kids, and I need to know my father’s identity for the same reasons.

I have always fantasized about what it would be like to meet my birth mom. Now I realize that may never happen. Would you please tell me clearly, “Yes, I am” or “No, I’m not”? I’m sure you are a reasonable person and understand why I need to know. If you are in fact my birth mother, I’m sure you loved me at some point. So won’t you please help me?

Sincerely…

After writing that last letter, I was shocked at my own bravery.  When I was truly pushed to a point of believing this was my last chance to finally find the truth, I broke through barriers I never thought my non-confrontational self could shatter.  This was truly a milestone for me.

A few days passed, and nothing…  Very discouraging…  But at least this feeling was familiar...

January 25, 2013

On the phone this evening, I asked my search angel, “Do you think she ever loved me?  She kept me for three months.  She had to have loved me at some point, right?  Or have I always just been a thorn in her side?”  I heard Deb gasp softly on the other end of the line.  With understanding sympathy, she replied, “She must have, honey.  She must have.”

These are just a few of the many questions I ask myself over and over again.  Was the reason she gave me up because she loved me so much that she wished for me a better life?  Or was it simply because she realized that at some point, my existence would hinder her from having an ideal life?  Did she make the decision to surrender me on her own, or was someone in her family pushing her into it?  And now…  What is keeping her from responding to me?  Is it out of fear of exposing herself to her unknowing husband and family?  Or is it because they know and are pressuring her not to respond?  Is her husband my father?  If so, why would they as parents want to keep from telling their children?  The list of questions goes on.  I have thought of every single scenario and reason possible.  Rejection is a terrible feeling.  It burns through my heart like a searing blade, leaving an unforgettable scar.

I try not to let my mind brew cynical thoughts.  I try to stay positive and hopeful, but there are times when harsh thoughts creep in.  I give people the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise, and it’s always difficult to believe humans are capable of horrific acts.  I look for the good in everyone, even those who are incapable of outwardly showing compassion.  As the saying goes: “Everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle, so be kind to everyone.”  I suppose some would call me naïve or foolish, whereas others would call me a hopeless romantic or dreamer of sorts.  This is probably why it hurts so much when people take advantage of or dismiss me.  It also hurts to see others being taken advantage of for the same reason.  There have been times when I’ve resented others who hurt me, but I try as best I can to lend forgiveness and change my frame of mind to feel sorry for them instead.  Unfortunate are those who cannot see the beauty in others.  Do they not see that they are not only causing harm to others but to themselves as well?

This leads me back to wondering about my birth mother.  Ever since I was able to understand what adoption meant, I have forgiven her and loved her for giving me a different chance at life.  Throughout my life, I never resented her for giving me away.  Her choice is an honorable and respectable one.  But the thought creeps in…  If she loved me so much, why would she continually reject my attempts to communicate with her?  Did she ever love me after all?  Is "this woman" even "the one"?

February 2, 2013

Finally, Deborah received a response from my suspected birth mother—not the most desired response, but at least she responded.

Look…  I have two daughters.  I have had no other children.  Married since __/__/__.  Been with my husband 32 years.  I am sorry, but I am not your mother… impossible! 

This last response pierced through my heart at first because as it meant I had NOT found “the one” after all.  My first reaction was of angry pain.  All those years of holding onto hope... and for nothing!  Why couldn't she have responded sooner?  One small gesture could have saved me from all the time and heartache I had wasted looking in the wrong direction.  If only she had simply said she wasn't "the one"...

I was feeling a bit down but not discouraged.  Then something inside me just told me to let go and move on--as simple as that.  Being angry was not going to accomplish anything.  Strangely enough, I instantly calmed down.  I decided there was no use in getting depressed or discouraged. After all, that would be unproductive. Instead, I decided to keep my chin up, slap on a smile and maintain a "Pollyanna" outlook.  Positive energy began to well up in me, and I actually began anticipating a fresh start in my search.  

Having seen a story on Facebook days prior to this discovery, I decided to do what a woman from Utah had recently done—share my plea for help, photos & story on Facebook.  I decided that someone out there had to know something, and all I needed to do was find them!  So I did it...

February 5, 2013

What a shocker!  The woman I thought was “the one” directly e-mailed me a long-overdue response.  I could not believe my eyes when I saw her name appear on my Facebook message folder.  All those years of waiting to see her name appear in my e-mail in-box, and NOW she writes to me?  The timing was peculiar, since I had just days prior resolved to being completely over that part of my search journey.  She wrote:

"I'm sorry.  I'm not the person you're looking for, but good luck", should have been enough.  Honestly, I have not been even reading the messages from either of you.  Sorry, but I told you from the beginning I was not the person you were looking for and what happened: My mother and brother were called based on what you have written.  I am led to believe you know where I live.  I work 50 hours a week and go to school.  I don't have time for this and told you upfront I was not that person.  I wish you luck on finding you mother and feel bad you wasted so much time thinking it was me.  You should have taken my word from the start.

In my recent letter to her, I suggested an acceptable response to my very first e-mail in 2009 would have been: "I'm sorry. I'm not the person you're looking for, but good luck."  I could not believe she actually thought she told me that.  Never, ever did she say those words to me.  This message above was the one and only message she had written to me since that first response to my e-mail back in 2009.  If she had responded sooner that she wasn't "the one", I would have stopped focusing on her right then and there.  My response:

I'm sorry, but I never received any communication from you since you responded to my e-mail in 2009.  You did not tell me, "I'm sorry & good luck", from the very beginning.  If you had, I would have stopped writing to you.  If you sent me another e-mail after that, I did not receive it.  I thought you were possibly avoiding me, since it's common for birth parents to be cautious when first being contacted by their long-lost offspring.  Obviously you're not my birth mother.  I know that now.  My search angel, Deborah, told me you wrote to her, and I received a very nice e-mail from your daughter on Saturday.  I sent an apology through her to your and your family.  She was so kind in her message to me.  I thank her for that.  Sorry... You will never hear from me again.  Thanks for wishing me luck.  The way things are going, I certainly need it.

Anyhow, I bear no ill feelings toward her.  It’s not productive or worthwhile to focus on pain that has since passed.  Moving on…

February 6, 2013

I am feeling especially blessed and grateful today for the overwhelming showing of love from family, friends and even complete strangers.  My life is so rich with blessings!  The number of people who have come forward to help in the search for my biological parents is amazing.  My Facebook photo collage and plea for help has been "shared" numerous times and growing by the minute.  I've been saying this all day: "I really feel that something good is about to happen".  It's just a matter of time now.

February 7, 2013

I discovered this quote referenced on the International Soundex Reunion Registry form (ISRR), which really hits home for me:

"In all of us there is a hunger, marrow-deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are--and where we come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning, there is the most disquieting---loneliness." ~ Alex Haley ~ Roots

February 8, 2013

I was checking how many times my search was "shared" on Facebook to ensure I hadn't missed thanking anyone, when I discovered some rude comments from strangers. Why does it never cease to amaze me how cruel and insensitive people can be? Maybe it's because I want to believe there is good in everyone.

There are people out there who believe adoptees searching for answers are selfish and ungrateful. And there are others who think we're just posting on Facebook for attention.  I don't expect to change their minds but hope they can gain some sense of empathy for people like me.

They don't know the struggles we endure to find our bio families, the years we've spent looking for a needle under each strand of hay in the stack or the empty hole in our beings longing for answers. I am fortunate enough to possess a yellowed piece of paper with shreds of information, giving me hope one day for more answers. Other adoptees aren't as lucky.

Some critics think it's as easy as handing over a wad of cash to the DOH or a private investigator. If it was really that easy, I guarantee more people would be taking that route. Instead, we live in uncertainty with the possibility of never knowing looming over our heads.

We live our lives wondering about our beginnings, our heritage, if our biological families loved us, if we have siblings and so much more. I, for one, am searching for a tiny shred of medical information.  Adoptees did not choose to be born and surrendered for adoption.  It was a choice made for them maybe by loving parents who believed it was the best they could do, maybe because having a baby was too difficult at that time in their lives, maybe in some cases because they had passed away or many other reasons.  I admire and appreciate the noble choice my birth mother made.  Perhaps my opinion is biased, but I believe all adoptees deserve answers.

I can't speak for all adoptees but in my case, I'm not looking to "out" anyone or disrupt their lives. I just want medical information.  It's really as simple as that.  If they don't want to meet or know me, that's fine. I just need to know what to expect in my future and to pass that along to my children. Anything more would surely be a bonus.

No matter the negative opinions that some may have, I will not lose hope nor will I allow anyone to squash my dreams! My motives are genuine and honest. Anyone who truly knows me understands, and that's all that matters.

February 10, 2013

My birth mother may have been found!  Talking to her on the phone today was surreal. Though I've been hopeful to find her one day, I never thought it would actually happen. Part of me is excited, happy and relieved; while the other part is nervous and reserved.  A sea of emotions has overcome me, which I had never considered.  Furthermore, we may have some leads on finding my bio father as well.  Of course there is more research to be done and DNA tests as well, but this is a good start.  I was sure to update all of my faithful friends and family on my search.

February 15, 2013

This past week has been a whirlwind.  My search angel, Deb, finally made the connection.  She felt there was something about my mother having been a student in the BOCES TAPP (Teen Age Pregnancy Program).  Deb happened to be a student the same year I was born, so she researched all the names she could remember from TAPP; and what names she couldn't remember, she found in old yearbooks.  When she found that there were only two women in the entire class who had definitely given up their babies for adoption, she felt like she was onto something.  One had given a baby boy up at birth, while the other had given birth to a girl.  Deb called me on Saturday morning to tell me this and a new name to look into.  I was hopeful as always but didn't think much of it.  After all, I learned the hard way to not get my hopes up, or else I would be constantly disappointed when leads fell through. 

When I searched Facebook for her name, I was surprised what came up.  This new woman didn't have many photos on her Facebook account, but she did have one.  I couldn't believe what I saw.  Looking into her face was like looking into my own eyes.  She looked so much like me that even my ever-skeptical husband was surprised.  Even though I wanted to be excited about this, I restrained myself.  Lifting my hopes to have them come crashing back down was not something I was eager to do again.  So I waited until Deb could get back to me with more information.

Deb wrote an e-mail to my “birth mother”, telling her she was helping a young woman find her birth mother and wondered if she could help.  My birth mom called Deb early Sunday morning and said, "I gave up a baby girl!  Her name was Jessica Marie _____.  She was born on 11/5/80."  She knew my birth weight, time of birth, etc.  Then she floored my angel when she told her other things that no one else knew.   

At 8:30 a.m. on Sunday, February 10, I received the call from Deb, saying she'd found my birth mother and wanted to know if I would like to talk to her.  Deb was so excited and emotional that I found myself consoling her.  What a turn of events!

So I called my birth mom, and we cried and awkwardly talked on the phone for an hour.  Neither of us knew exactly what to say.  We were both still in shock, I think.  When we talked again the next day, we decided to meet on Valentine's Day.  My mom, stepfather, Deb, birth mom, her boyfriend and I met at a restaurant in Corning, NY, the same city where I was born 32 years ago, and where she still lived.  Our plan was to do an over-the-counter DNA test, but that fell through when we realized NY State requires a doctor's order and lawyer's signature.  When we met face-to-face, we realized there is no need for a DNA test anyway because the resemblance is so strong.  Plus we decided that once she submits her paperwork to NY State DOH to open the adoption record, and I receive my letter from them identifying her as my birth mother, that will be proof enough for us.  I am still in shock.  I can't believe I've finally found her.  I always hoped and prayed that we would find one another one day, but I never actually believed it would happen.  Amazing! 

Pictured above are my mom on the left, me in the middle and my birth mom on the right.

One moment that will always stick in my mind is when my mom told my birth mom, “I know you didn’t get to see her grow up…  But thank you for giving us a daughter.”  Those words, bittersweet as they were, will always be the most beautiful words my mother has uttered.

My birth mom wants to be a part of my life and me to be a part of hers. I never thought I would feel this way, but I'm the one who wants to slow down a bit.  Although my mom has been supportive and understands my need to know my biological family, there is some part of me who doesn't want to be disloyal to my family.  It surprised me that I would feel this way.

I don't know if or when I will feel comfortable calling my birth mom "Mom", as the only family I've ever known is the one who raised me.  We’ll see as time goes on.  I know we'll get over these little speed bumps, but right now it's all so overwhelming.

February 25, 2013

The letter I have waited to receive since turning 18 years of age finally arrived in the mail today: "We are pleased to inform you that all of the corresponding parties of your adoption have registered with the New York State Department of Health Adoption Information Registry..." As if meeting her in person wasn't official enough, this certainly seals the deal!  Wow!  What awaits us in the next chapter of our lives?  God only knows... and that's exactly how it is meant to be.

July 29, 2013

Because I feel strongly that all adoptees deserve the right to access to their original birth certificates and biological family health information, I joined "ALARM - Advocating Legislation for the Adoption Reform Movement" in the spring of 2013.  My hope is that my participation in this initiative will somehow make a difference.  One of the first actions I took was to take part in a letter-writing campaign to President Obama.  The hope was that by appealing to the U.S. Federal Government, perhaps we could accomplish a nation-wide change rather than waiting on each individual state to change adoption laws.  I am proud to share it below:

July 29, 2013

President Barack Obama

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Mr. President:

First and foremost, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  There is no better time than the present to write you this letter concerning the Adoption Community’s Call for a Presidential Executive Order through an Adoptees Restoration Act, which would provide every Adoptee born within the jurisdiction of the United States “equal access to a true original birth certificate”.

I am writing to you as an adoptee and as a representative of ALARM (Advocating Legislation for Adoption Reform Movement).  As an adult U.S. citizen, adoptees like me have the right to our original birth certificates just like every other citizen in this great nation.  This tiny piece of paper, which seems so insignificant to many, is a link to crucial information regarding our biological, medical, genealogical and cultural histories.  Allowing adoptees access will not cost the government (or individual states) any money, since state Vital Records Offices will simply be doing what they are currently doing—providing original birth certificates to their citizens.

As you know, adoption records in the majority of U.S. States remain sealed.  This denies millions of adoptees the basic human right to access important biological information.  This antiquated bureaucracy is unjust, and it is time for a change.  Through no fault of our own, we adoptees are being punished.  As a result, we have been forced to search for our biological roots via alternate investigative methods.  With little to no clues regarding our biological pasts, many have undergone painstaking, emotional searches for a proverbial “needle in a haystack”.

I’d just like to share my personal adoption story.  I was born on November 5, 1980 in New York State with the name_____.  At six months of age, I was surrendered for adoption.  At 11 months of age, I was adopted into a loving family.  I have always known about my adoption but most of my life, I had no interest in searching for my birth mother.  After all, the family who raised and nurtured me is my family.  However, when my husband and I decided to start our own family, the need to seek my biological roots grew ever strong.  I spent six heart-wrenching years actively searching and enduring one road block and roller coaster dip and dive after another.  Adoption search angels tried to help, but they too continually encountered the same dead ends.  For four years, I believed the wrong woman was my birth mother.  Imagine my devastation and disappointment when it was revealed that she in fact was not “the one”.  Finally in January 2013, a third search angel happened to see my information on an adoption search website.  Through much research and making the right connections at the right time, I was able to reunite with my birth mother on February 2013.  Looking into my birth mother’s eyes for the first time was the most spiritually moving and surreal experience I have ever known.   Having my mother there for support, well, that was the icing on the cake.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.  I just wish the process hadn’t been so difficult.  So much time has been lost, which my birth mother and I can never regain. 

Adoptees should not be denied information that is rightfully ours.  The details of our origins are part of our identity.  For this reason, I feel it is of the utmost importance to change this antiquated bureaucracy at the Federal level because obviously our individual home states are not listening to us.

 

Mr. President, in honor of your mother’s choice to not surrender you for adoption, won’t you please consider making this Presidential Executive Order through an Adoptees Restoration Act?  If we indeed are all equal, then why are adoptees denied this basic human right?

As stated in the Constitution of the United States of America in the 14^th Amendment, Section 1:  All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

We the People are calling for your support and action because we know that you will listen.  Please help us.

 

Very sincerely...

February 14, 2014

It has been one year since our reunion.  Valentine’s Day will always hold an extra special meaning for me and my birth mom as well, I’m sure.  We continue to get to know one another through e-mails and phone calls. 

I visited her this past summer, and we spent the afternoon and evening together.  We visited my grandfather, she introduced me to some of her friends, we had a nice dinner together and then poured through old pictures of her and the family.  It was both strange and comforting simply walking down the street or sitting on the couch with her.  Even though I will always consider my mom who raised me as “Mom”, I couldn’t help feeling a sense of completion and relief walking at my first mom’s side as her daughter.

At first, it was awkward knowing she is the woman I dreamed of all my life, who brought me into this world; that we share the same blood line, yet we were essentially strangers until we finally met again. 

As I had suspected, she mourned losing me, went through some hard times and never ever forgot about me.  She thought of me all the time and never stopped loving me or wanting to find me.  To think…  All those years of birthdays, holidays and milestones when I wondered if she still thought of me or loved me…  she was thinking of me too.

It’s still surreal enough to think I’ve found her.  It’s even more surreal that I finally get to meet and know my biological family members.  Family resemblances have always fascinated me—mainly because until my daughter was born, I had never met or known anyone else who looked like me.  I can’t believe how much we resemble one another from our facial features, to our hair color, to our body type, to the way we walk and carry ourselves and even the same ridge in our thumb nails.  We have some of the same interests as well.  Sometimes when we’re together, I catch myself staring at her.  Maybe it’s because of our striking resemblance, but maybe it’s also because I just can’t believe that moment is real.

Through Facebook, I have met some biological family members, an aunt, one uncle and one cousin so far.  They all seem very nice and eager to know me.  However, sometimes I feel like I’m sitting on the edge of my seat in suspense, waiting for more information.  I have so many questions about the family—our genealogy, heritage, genetic health history, etc.  But the question comes to mind—Why do I feel like an imposition when asking?  Sure, I’m worried they’ll think I’m coming on too strong, but can they blame me for wanting to know?  For certain, my biggest fear is of being rejected.  I just want to be accepted and trusted.  I’ve gone my whole life not knowing and now that I have this chance (a chance that some adoptees never get), I don’t want to waste it.  I know all too well how life can change in an instant, and sometimes the one chance you have is the only one you’re allotted.

March 13, 2014

During my growing-up years, I was unaware of anyone else in our community who had also been adopted.  I didn't tell many friends because I didn't want to feel any "different" than any other family.  Growing older and more aware of the emotions connected to being adopted, it became more comfortable to confide in certain friends with my feelings and concerns.  But even then, most friends were only able to relate to a certain degree.

It wasn't until my mid-20s upon meeting other adult adoptees and sharing our experiences and emotions, that I felt more understood.  This of course says absolutely nothing negative about non-adoptees.  I have eternal gratefulness for my supportive, empathetic and open-minded family and friends.  It's just that only adoptees who’ve walked the same path emotionally, can completely understand.  And even then, not every adoptee will feel the same according to his or her experiences and beliefs. 

Throughout the last year since finally finding my birth mom, I've found and joined a few online communities of adoptees.  It was elating to find others who have experienced similar thoughts and emotions as myself.  At first, joining these groups was a way for me to validate that a lot of my own feelings are normal.  Then I began to feel comfortable lending encouragement and help to fellow adoptees.  During the search for my birth mom, so many people freely lent their support and encouragement.  Because that kindness can never fully be repaid, it's only right to "pay it forward".

After a while, the broad spectrum of adoptees' experiences in these online communities was undeniable.  Some were in the process of searching for their biological family, some had found their biological family and were trying to process their emotions and next steps, some had no interest in finding their biological family, some were angry, some shared their horrifically heartbreaking adoption experiences, some were perfectly happy about their entire adoption experience, etc... 

Then one community started gaining visibility and attracting biological and adoptive parents.  Everyone was sharing their experiences.  It was amazing, beautiful and sometimes sad to see the many different perspectives.  I was completely taken off guard, however, when some began attacking others about their beliefs and their reasons for thinking the way they do.  Every person in the adoption triangle has a different story and beliefs, which is perfectly fine.  It's not fine, however, for others to impose their opinions or judgments on others in hurtful ways. 

It's difficult for me to grasp why it's so hard for some to just agree to disagree.  If you don't like what someone has to say, why not just disregard and move on?  Does it really require harsh judgment or picking the other person apart?  That seems pointless.

My hope is that all members of the adoption community will seek to respect, accept and understand one another rather than judge or argue.  (That kind-of sounds like a recipe for world peace, doesn't it?)  I'd like to think that those who share common ties would be most empathetic to one another, but maybe that's just the optimist in me.  The online community is no different than any other community, I suppose.  If society in general struggles with mutual respect, then all communities run the same risk as well.

At first, I wanted to leave that one particular group because I was so tired of seeing others attacked for their beliefs or the offensive, negative judgments made by some.  Then I realized that if I did leave, it would be lessening the positive energy there and in a sense, potentially abandoning those in need of support or encouragement when they might need it most.  

This has made me realize something about myself...  If I only stayed within my non-confrontational comfort zone all my life, that would be too easy.  If my search journey has taught me anything, one of the most important lessons learned is that no one ever accomplishes anything of significance without putting themselves "out there".  To have the courage to take chances and perseverance to follow through--that's what matters.


April 4, 2014

Throughout my adoption search journey, I contemplated all aspects and perspectives of adoption from adoptees, to biological parents, to adoptive parents, to adoptive siblings, etc.  At times when I was trying to mentally process the emotions circulating in my brain, I found great benefit from learning from others' experiences.  Sometimes it's the perspective of another person that helps you realize your perspective is not the only one of value, and you come to appreciate all situations from every angle.

About a year ago, I discovered a blog written by a birth mother, who had been forced to give up her baby for adoption.  It was heartbreaking to read about her experience.  I found her perspective very interesting, but it was clear that she was completely against adoption based on what had happened to her.  In her blog, she had made a statement that no birth mother should ever give up a child for adoption under any circumstances.  She felt that instead, birth mothers' families and society in general should rally around mother and child and keep them together at all costs.  Though it is completely understandable why she would feel that way (given her experience), I felt compelled to comment that not everyone's circumstances are the same.  This spurred an at first tense but then rewarding intellectual discussion between the two of us.

We discussed that in other circumstances, maybe children are taken from their birth mothers due to abuse, maybe their birth mothers were raped (and instead of having an abortion, decided to give the baby another family), maybe there are children who are the product of incest, maybe some birth mothers were too young and ill-equipped with no family support (and rather than live homeless on the street, starving and freezing to death; they made the most noble and selfless decision)...  The list of possibilities is endless. 

By the end of the conversation, we were sending one another virtual hugs and love.  We were both so glad to have had such a rewarding, objective discussion, and I was so glad to have stepped out of my comfort zone.  We each learned a new perspective that day, and what we didn't agree upon, we respectfully agreed to disagree.

It’s so important to avoid painting all adoptions/birth mothers/families with broad-stroked generalizations.  My wish is that more people who differ in perspectives could come to appreciate one another instead of attacking with bitter hatred.  When you realize that you can't change another's mind, it's perfectly acceptable to just lay down the white flag and respectfully agree to disagree.


July 23, 2014

Although I believe that all adoptees should be allowed access to their original birth certificates and genetic medical histories, I can't help facing the realization that some adoption records are closed for good reason--to keep the child safe from a dangerous or unstable biological parent.  I realize abused adoptees are only a certain portion of the adoptee community, but it is a valid concern.  

Some adoption activists believe all adoptions should be open.  They want to see ZERO closed adoptions in the future.  I think this is unrealistic.  Now...  What I just typed took a long time for me to accept.  During the grueling search for my birth mom, I was angry at the "system" for keeping my own rightful information from me.  I too had the radical thought that all adoptions should be open.  But then I met a wise gentleman, who broadened my perspective.  He had served in family court as an adoption judge for 50 years, and he had seen it all--and I mean it ALL.  Unfortunately, he has since passed away, or I would be calling him up and asking his opinion once again.  

When he first told me that some people are better off not knowing their biological families, he had good reason for saying so.  Of course my first reaction was of disbelief.  I thought, "Why would ANYONE think adoptees shouldn't know/meet their biological families?  Surely, this man must be biased, given his history".  Then he shared a multitude of stories about biological parents whose abuse/abandonment of their children were horrific beyond comprehension.  His sharing these stories helped me to realize that if all adoptions were open, it may be more harmful for the children involved while they are minors.  

However, after saying all that...  I do believe adult adoptees are fully capable of deciding whether or not THEY want to meet their biological parents.  It should be THEIR choice as adults to open their adoption records--not an antiquated law or judge, which has the final say in an important life decision, which I believe is not ethically theirs to make.  I don't know the percentage of adoptions resulting in a voluntary surrender vs. adoptions via DSS due to children being saved from horrific abuse situations...  but my concern is for the latter.  An acquaintance of mine is a loving foster mother, who cares for babies born addicted to cocaine, abandoned and abused children; who she sees time and time again children being returned to their abusive families due to a crooked "system".  If all adoptions were open, I would hope that special measures would be taken in circumstances like these.

I'm sorry if my sharing this perspective has rattled anyone, but my intent is always to be as objective as possible.  I say these things because I am an adoptee whose life was touched by similar circumstances.  I now know the truth about my origins.  I know what happened to me and have lent forgiveness.  I am thankful for the opportunity to know my biological family, which is not a chance that every adoptee wanting to know is granted.  I do not regret my search or the results because I always knew there was a possibility that my beginnings may not be as fairytale-like as I had always imagined.  Still...  It was MY choice to know, it was MY choice to search and it should be MY choice for once and for all to open my entire adoption record and know the facts verbatim... on paper... in black and white.  I shouldn't be forced to rely on the goodness of my extended biological family members, the kindness of strangers or the grape vine to know MY truth.

If radical change is made in the adoption system, I think that's great.  Too much bureaucracy has been allowed to persist for far too long.  My concern is for the protection of the innocent--the adoptee children who deserve protection until an age at which they are able to make a well-informed decision to know or not to know their biological family.


October 29, 2014

For the past two days, I have been involved in numerous discussions on a Facebook adoption group.  I shouldn't let it get to me, but I am infuriated by some members of this group, who feel the need to shove their ideas down the throats of those who oppose their views.  They make brash comments with the intent of inciting a reaction, start and continue arguments.  They throw around mentions of studies and statistics in an attempt to convince people that they're wrong about how they feel about their adoption circumstances.  I'm sick of this behavior and hope that it stops.

One member posted an article that stated the "happy adoptee" is a myth.  The way I see it is not ALL adoptees are unhappy, just as not ALL of them are happy.  I wish people would stop generalizing and using absolutes.  Not everything can be neatly split into black and white categories.  That is unrealistic.  Adoption circumstances are complex, and there are multiple experiences and opinions.

Sure, I'll be the first to admit that some adoptees didn't have the happiest of situations, but we decided to put the past (and the things that were out of our control) behind us in order to move on with our lives. Some of us are making the best of what we have because we've decided to let go of the bitterness and hate. Carrying it around is not going to help matters one bit. It's unhealthy, and it affects the ones closest to us the most. If I let what happened to me control my life, that would make me a horribly miserable mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend... and that's not who I want to be. 

I am grateful for everything that has happened to me in life--both good and bad--because how my life has played out is my identity. I've learned from the experiences and heartaches and can use that knowledge to help people instead of bringing them down. Believe it or not, I am happy to be the person I am today (even if the beginning of my life wasn't all rainbows and sunshine). All the trials and tribulations I have endured signify that I am a survivor.

Now that I've found my biological mom, I have two families, who are completely different, but they both love me. And for that, I feel doubly blessed. 

The naysayers can quote as many statistics as they desire and argue to their hearts' content, but they're not going to change the way I feel in my heart and soul about my specific circumstances.  They have a right to feel the way they do, just as I have a right to feel as I do. Everyone is different, and I choose to respect that rather than shove my opinions down the opposing view's throat.

Once again, as I did months ago, I considered leaving this particular Facebook group. I voiced this, and there was an outpouring of pleading for me to stay.  How can I not stay now?  I decided that no matter how aggravating it has been, I just can't leave.  It's like an addiction.  I can't leave because it feels wrong to reduce the positive energy in that group and allow the bullies to overrule.  I am there for noble reasons--not to argue or harm--and I ultimately believe that the pure of heart and intention will always prevail.

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My story doesn't end here.  See its continuation here in my more recent blog entry entitled, "My Adoptee Journal - Part 2: Finding My Biological Father".